This was the 1st Christmas that I didn't have any family around, didn't travel to see anyone, didn't arrange to do anything. I shudder at referring to myself as a "lone wolf," so we'll just say that I'm used to being alone during the rest of the year, so the holidays should be a blip on the radar. At least, that's what I thought. Because I never feel alone. This year, I did - or I don't know how to describe the weird emptiness of not being festive at home, of being nostalgic for a time when my home was mine and when my children were little, and I made the magic of the season.
I was invited along to celebrate all December, so I wasn't ever alone. But that feeling crept back in whenever I wasn’t distracted, whenever there wasn't the big warm brotherhood-togetherness glow I get, sometimes even with strangers in unlikely places. Not being part of making the season special for someone else is what ultimately took the wind out of my sails.
There were a lot of emergencies this year, particularly toward the end, that caused a huge disruption in how money and time off were spent. So next year, I'm going to make a point and allocate time to be available, emergencies or not.
That said, I'm glad the intensity of the 2022 holidays will sink with the sun tonight. I live on an island, but it turns out that I'm not an island myself.
