That last proposal came just before all of the loss. I should have been eager to accept it. I was quite literally losing everything. My fiancé could have been (and wanted to be) supportive of me during my struggles, but I could not go through with it. I didn't love him the way one is supposed to love their partner when they agree to share the rest of their lives together. I gave the ring back (like the others), and told him he deserved better than this. I hope he found it.
I definitely did. But, not without going through the absolute worst, relying solely on my small support system online and in real-life. And, eventually, I found myself digging my way out of the rubble and finding a life for myself that I never thought I had in me. It never occurred to me that I would be anyone else. The time hadn't passed yet. I was still too close to get any perspective by looking back. I read these old journal entries and see how slowly time was passing back then, how hard the healing was. But still, something inside of me must have known that I would find myself again, and what I wanted above anything else was my freedom.
When I think about this proposal, I think about how free I do feel now. I think about all the people I've met and loved in the past ten years. I can't imagine feeling like my life would have been full without having met them. I think about the interactions I've had while dating and choosing not to date, while maintaining friendships, all the ways in which I had to adjust and learn to accept (or not accept) people. I learned to find something I love about almost everyone, especially when I initially don't even like them. And, I owe it all to allowing myself to experience a life that isn't tied to just one person.
So every May 17, I feel a little excited. I was on the precipice of making the boldest move of my life, the one that would change who I was as a person forever.
